"I accidentally signed my parents name on my SAT test because I'm so used to signing their name on their credit card I have."

In his guide to weekdays, his thoughts on Thursdays:
"...Thursdays mean great NBC television, a nice filet mignon, whispers of some random sophomore's parents leaving for the weekend, and a minty clean room (I hope your cleaning lady comes on Thursdays too- Beatrice, you're a doll)."

"When I was 13 I told my parents the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a blank check. But all I got was an iPod shuffle."

"I spilled iced tea on my first Mac, so they fixed it and gave it to my brother, then I got my new one. I've had three computers total."

"Growing up, we could only buy things if they were on sale, and I still do."
"I only buy things that are on sale!"
"That's not true! I was with you and you didn't buy things on sale!"
"Well, that doesn't count, it was Forever21 and H&M...those are already cheap! I only buy J.Crew if it's on sale!"

"Paying bills stinks."
"I hope I never have to pay bills."
"You will..."
"Yeah, but what if I like get married really young and then my husband will always pay the bills."


"For class, we had to chart the cost of college. Then we had to do it for a car for when we go to college. But, like, what if I already have a car? Then I don't have to add that right?"

"My dad only makes a million dollars a year. And after paying for the cost of our family and stuff, it's really not that much."

"We used paper bags to cover our text books."
"Yeah, like I used a Rugby bag."
"Me too! That bag is so cute! Yeah, if I have to bring anything to school, I make sure it's a nice bag. I'd never use a CVS bag!"

"My mom suggested we get a school bus for prom because that's what her friend's daughter did; I asked her where they go to school and she said *random CT town*, and I was like 'Obviously they get school buses in the ghetto, in our town we get party buses.'"

"Those salmon-colored shorts that guy is wearing are so Connecticut!"
"Which ones?"
"That guy on the bench."
"Oh, those are Nantucket Red."

"I want to go see Streetcar on Broadway. They've got an all-black cast."
"Ugh, I hate it when they do that."
"That's racist!"
"No, it's like a Tyler Perry movie. Make it stop."
"That's still racist!"

"My kids all have macs and I just have an iPad!"

"Most of my closet is J.Crew."

"I worked as a waitress in college"
"Why did you have a job when you were in college?"

"What is Vietnamese food?"
"Like Chinese, but not."

"I'm like so excited to go to college to wear like the cute hoodies and lanyards."

"My mom thought we were staying at the Westin and my dad said it was the Aston. It was gross. Like all wicker."

"Hawaiian food was gross. They had pig..."
"Like Pig Latin?"
"What? No. They just had the whole pig there at the luau."

"We went to the country club for Easter Brunch."
"That's so weird that you go..."
"I know, it like should have been really good food but it was greasy, slimy gross food."

"Consuela unpacked for me again."

"I'm going to go hang out with my friends and make mac & cheese!"
"You're making mac & cheese just for fun?"
"Yeah!"
"In college you'll be making mac & cheese because that's all you can afford. You'll have to learn to be frugal."
"What does frugal mean?"

At CVS, a teenage girl has this conversation with a lady behind the counter:

"I want to return this candy bar."
"Is there something wrong with it?"
"I don't like how it tasted."
"Well, do you have a receipt?"
"No, I can't find it...and I bought it in Darien."
"Okay, did you buy it with a credit card?"
"Oh, of course."
"Do you have your ID?"
"Um, no."
"Do you have your driver's license?"
"No, I don't have one of those yet."
"Listen, why don't you just go get the flavor you want and we'll consider this an exchange."

"My friend has a house in the Bahamas that she didn't even tell us about."


"One of my neighbors is the Goldman Sachs b* who stole all the money and was like I'm retired and bought an enormous house with a basketball court in the first level of the basement."


"My other neighbor might be going to jail for embezzlement. I predicted he was part of the Venezuelan Mafia when he moved in. He got indicted by the US Government. His name is Poncho. He donned a house arrest anklet for a year. But it turns out he was just a scapegoat."


"I have a really big predicament. My grandpa wants to take me to the opera. But my boyfriend has a lacrosse game that day."


"My grandpa just bought a house in Italy. Because he likes Italy."

"My dad lost money on our airport today."

A teacher's conversation with a 5-year-old:
"What was your favorite thing to do in Paris?"
"Shoe shopping, duh!"
"What shoes did you get?"
"Designer, of course!"

D: "How was Florida?"
K: "Good, but I was sick. Had a stomach bug."
D: "Oh that's the worst!"
K: "Yeah, but then we went to Cancun and I was fine."
D: "Where's Cancun again? Mexico?"
K: "Meh-hico."
D: "Right, Mexico."
K: "No, meh-hico."

"My dad doesn't have a job right now, so we're selling our house. And moving into our other one."

"Why isn't there white history month? I'm kidding, but seriously."

"I don't want to wear make-up on my mission trip, so I got my eyelashes tinted."

"I'm really stressed out right now."

"Oh no! Why?"

"I can't figure out what letter to play in Words with Friends."

After her iPhone was stolen: 

"I don't have an iPhone. I'm going to be the laughing stock of this town. I feel like I lost a family member."

"There's nothing more upsetting in the whole world than shopping for a bathing suit."

"Do-It-Yourself project? I'd rather just hire someone to do it for me."

"She just looks Oriental."

"I would like to bring the children of Africa potato cones and see what they'd do with them. They'd probably just be grateful."

"Worst-case scenario, we just go to the Hamptons for break."

"I haven't been shopping in so long and it's like messing with my brain."

"I just bought a new pair of sunglasses."

"What are they?"

"I don't want to tell you...Versace."

"My mom took me to Lord & Taylor to make me feel better."

"We're going to watch Pretty Little Liars in my friend's movie theatre."

After telling other kids about this quote, one of them said:

"Yeah? A lot of people in this town have movie theatres..."

"I dropped my iPhone and my iPod in the toilet. But my iPad is fine."

"We could always go to J. Crew as a cheaper alternative."

"We have to import our minority students from the inner city."

In a Chinese Restaurant:

"Do you guys do forks?"

After a car accident involving a deer:

"And of course they sent the bitchy girl cop, not the hot guy cop!"

"Grandpa, you can come watch Fox News at our house! We always have it on!"

After having spilled beads all over the floor, she recounts the incident and includes her nanny/maid, Consuela*:

"I spilled the beads all over the floor and swept them into a pile, but I was really tired so I went to sleep. I hope Consuela cleaned them up. And when I got home the next day, it was spotless."

*name changed

"I planned on unpacking when I got home from school, but when I got home, Consuela had already done it for me."

In a Target elevator:

"Wow, this elevator is huge."

"Yeah, it's like the size of Consuela's room."

An acting student:

"If I made six figures, I wouldn't care about my passions."

"I would go into politics, but I'm not a liar."

"They film so many movies in my neighborhood, it's a joke."

"#fairfieldcountyproblems"

"Well, yeah, everyone belongs to a club. You're just judged on which one you belong to."

"I hope they don't turn that park in to a parking lot."
"I do, we need more space to park around here!"